Hey! We Got Mail!

I recently received this email from a reader who is thinking about becoming a single mother by choice.





Dear SV,
Thanks for creating the website for single mothers. It is a great first step for people who don't have experience and have single motherhood in their minds. I have a career I enjoy and plan to be a single mother by choice as I haven't met a man who I could see raising a family with. Would you share your experience for a few questions I have as I plan my single motherhood?

1) How important is a father figure/model to a boy growing up if I happen to have a boy?

2) How do you face the social gatherings at work, in the community when most participants are couples or families? Your experience and wisdom are appreciated.

I answered ...

Dear Single Mom To Be,

Thanks so much for your query. I'd be glad to respond as best I can, although I did go through a divorce, which makes my experience a bit different from what you are contemplating. I have a son and we live very far away from his father. He finds role models everywhere. In his male teacher, in his male coach, in his male principal, in family friends, and yes, in movies - he wants to be a professor like Indiana Jones. In a famous book called Resilient Adults, a psychologist studied and interviewed adults who had grown up as children in really terrible situations, way worse than anything most people ever go through (severe poverty, physical abuse, foster homes etc) She studied the ones who were leading very successful lives to find out why they didn't go the way of their abusers who were, after all, their main role models. And what she found consistently was that each of them had modeled their approaches to life on a single good example from their childhood that made an indelible impression - one person or incident they never forgot. And in many, if not most, of the cases, the kids did not even see this person regularly or weren't even related to the person. They just knew that that's how they wanted to be and they became like that as adults. I think this makes a good case for why you don't have to have "the one guy around who acts as male role model" to find good examples for a boy. But your child probably won't have to look that far. You are (I assume) a good woman - why would the values and principles you model for your son be different from those of a good man?

Your second question is a bit more loaded. If you do end up at a social gathering where you are made to feel in some way uncomfortable because you are a single mother, then those people aren't worth it. (And probably none too bright). Recent statistics show that in the US, more than half of all families are now headed by a single parent! And in Canada, 30 percent. These numbers are huge. Times have completely changed. And anyone who has their head in the sand and is still advocating old fashioned notions of family structure are hardly worth their salt or your time. In the end, they will take their cues from you. Don't act uncomfortable and they won't respond so.

A final thought. Some research done by Dr. John Cairney at the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health in Toronto compared single mothers by choice to divorced mothers and married mothers and found that women who choose to be single mothers are much less stressed than those who fall into it through divorce. I can see why. If you decide to do it, you can plan! You can get your finances in order, your home in order, your babysitting in order, your timing and schedules in order, then have the baby. That's the key to it all! You aren't suddenly finding yourself having to find a job, raise a kid by yourself and get over a divorce unexpectedly at the same time. (And, you don't have to go through a phase of letting go of lost dreams of happily ever after. Yukky!) I am currently editing a book for single mothers (by another former single mother) and interviewed a woman the other day who became a single mother by choice. Yes, she said, it's time consuming. We all know that. But she had everything in place when she decided to do it - all the things you'd get in place if you had a husband. And this for her has made it go smoothly.