The Education of Boys

I've been receiving an internet newsletter about caregiving called Anchors and Sails for some two years now. In it, the author sends along write ups of recent research she's dug up. Here's an excerpt from a recent edition on the education of boys:

"Chris Spence played football, then studied education and taught school in Toronto and Hamilton, Ontario. Along the way he became convinced that boys learn differently from girls, that they need more physical activity and that one of the reasons they score poorly in schools was that education was not noticing their unique needs. Spence is now education director at the Toronto District School Board and has announced Oct 2009 a new policy for the board. He wants full service school with facilities for the entire family, better digital technology in classrooms, more green energy initiatives but most of all, he wants to set up the province’s first all-boy elementary public school. He says that boys need strong role models in a ‘fatherless’ world, and notes with dismay that in Toronto public schools last year boys were suspended 3.5 times more than were girls. Glenmerry Elementary School in Trail BC has had some all boy and all girls classes and district board chair says boys’ test scores there have improved significantly. Spence also wrote a book “The Joys of Teaching Boys.” The school he is proposing would be kindergarten to grade 3."

If you would like more information, you can email the author at bevgsmith@alumni.ucalgary.ca

Early Morning Companion

I believe we have two lives: the life we learn with and the life we live with after that.

from the film The Natural

Hey! We Got Mail!

I recently received this email from a reader who is thinking about becoming a single mother by choice.





Dear SV,
Thanks for creating the website for single mothers. It is a great first step for people who don't have experience and have single motherhood in their minds. I have a career I enjoy and plan to be a single mother by choice as I haven't met a man who I could see raising a family with. Would you share your experience for a few questions I have as I plan my single motherhood?

1) How important is a father figure/model to a boy growing up if I happen to have a boy?

2) How do you face the social gatherings at work, in the community when most participants are couples or families? Your experience and wisdom are appreciated.

I answered ...

Dear Single Mom To Be,

Thanks so much for your query. I'd be glad to respond as best I can, although I did go through a divorce, which makes my experience a bit different from what you are contemplating. I have a son and we live very far away from his father. He finds role models everywhere. In his male teacher, in his male coach, in his male principal, in family friends, and yes, in movies - he wants to be a professor like Indiana Jones. In a famous book called Resilient Adults, a psychologist studied and interviewed adults who had grown up as children in really terrible situations, way worse than anything most normal people ever go through (severe poverty, physical abuse, foster homes etc) She studied the ones who were leading very successful lives to find out why they didn't go the way of their abusers who were, after all, their main role models. And what she found consistently was that each of them had modeled their approaches to life on a single good example from their childhood that made an indelible impression - one person or incident they never forgot. And in many, if not most, of the cases, the kids did not even see this person regularly or weren't even related to the person. They just knew that that's how they wanted to be and they became like that as adults. I think this makes a good case for why you don't have to have "the one guy around who acts as male role model" to find good examples for a boy. But your child probably won't have to look that far. You are (I assume) a good woman - why would the values and principles you model for your son be different from those of a good man?

Your second question is a bit more loaded. If you do end up at a social gathering where you are made to feel in some way uncomfortable because you are a single mother, then those people aren't worth it. (And probably none too bright). Recent statistics show that in the US, more than half of all families are now headed by a single parent! And in Canada, 30 percent. These numbers are huge. Times have completely changed. And anyone who has their head in the sand and is still advocating old fashioned notions of family structure are hardly worth their salt or your time. In the end, they will take their cues from you. Don't act uncomfortable and they won't respond so.

A final thought. Some research done by Dr. John Cairney at the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health in Toronto compared single mothers by choice to divorced mothers and married mothers and found that women who choose to be single mothers are much less stressed than those who fall into it through divorce. I can see why. If you decide to do it, you can plan! You can get your finances in order, your home in order, your babysitting in order, your timing and schedules in order, then have the baby. That's the key to it all! You aren't suddenly finding yourself having to find a job, raise a kid by yourself and get over a divorce unexpectedly at the same time. (And, you don't have to go through a phase of letting go of lost dreams of happily ever after. Yukky!) I am currently editing a book for single mothers (by another former single mother) and interviewed a woman the other day who became a single mother by choice. Yes, she said, it's time consuming. We all know that. But she had everything in place when she decided to do it - all the things you'd get in place if you had a husband. And this for her has made it go smoothly.

Happy Father's Day

It is a wise father that knows his own child.




from The Merchant of Venice by William Shakespeare

There's a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in.
Leonard Cohen
Image courtesy PD Photo

Happy Mother's Day

I thought the world was flat before I had my kids. Now I know it's round.

Annie Liebowitz, legendary photographer and single mother, from Life Through A Lens, PBS, April 2009

Legends

I regret nothing.

Edith Piaf











Listen here to this legendary song about coming to terms with whatever life throws your way.

Thoughts

In [North] American homes when marriages fail, it is usually the husband who disappears. Women become the head of the family, responsible for instilling in sons as well as daughters the meaning of adulthood. Professional athletes, movie stars, convicts, presidents all testify to the importance of single mothers. At last summer's Olympics, the world saw Michael Phelps emerge from the pool after each event to search the crowd for his mother. The news this evening is of failing male oligarchies on Wall Street. The news this evening is of tribal chieftains at war with modernity. The news is of religious leaders who forbid the ordination of women, even as they stumble from one diplomatic gaffe to another. Throughout history, the world has been largely governed by men. When the male order falters and fails -- as it seems now -- we would make a mistake if we assumed the world was collapsing. All over the world, millions of women are valiantly venturing far from custom, little girls are walking across the desert to school.

from the essay Around The World Women Are On The Move by Richard Rodriguez, first aired April 9, 2009, on the PBS show Newshour with Jim Lehrer

Bedouin girl courtesy LOC

The Quote Book

Some herbs, though scentless when entire, yield fragrance when they're bruised.

From Villette, by Charlotte Bronte

Happy Valentine's Day

Love is indeed a many-splendored thing,
but sometimes we all need to tie ourselves to the mast.

from NYT article Anti-Love Drug May Be Ticket to Bliss by John Tierney


Lashed To The Shrouds
courtesy Library of Congress