Do Single Mothers Have Rites of Passage?

If you become a single mother through divorce, one of the most painful and isolating aspects of it is the complete lack of sanctioned rituals of closure - there are absolutely no culturally honoured rites of passage that recognize the change of status. Indeed, the most time-honoured tradition I've heard of so far is the one where you hole up somewhere like a wounded animal that doesn't emerge until it's so starved it must come out to search for food. Conversely, of course, the books and rituals guiding you into marriage and into child-bearing are vast. It's as though our culture withholds recognition for those who take on the mantle of aloneness - and by doing so withholds recognition of its distress, or, its potential dignity.

Interestingly enough, I have heard of established rituals in other cultures that do lend some dignity and community to painful moments that we here do not deal with on any level. In Japan, there are graveyards for the unborn - that is - for miscarried pregnancies; places where women can go and say prayers and reflect. I once heard of another Asian custom in which you take on an extra name, similar to putting on a wedding ring, that forever identifies you as someone who has lost a parent - someone who has undergone a profound, unalterable change.

I know that one of the reasons I began writing here, using single motherhood as my subject, was because I suspected that my isolation when my marriage ended was not unique; others were experiencing it, but I couldn't find them. And, in the absence of any formal way of announcing or recognizing what had happened, I've had to fight the feeling that I live at society's loose ends ever since.

I guess this is a call for the creation of rites of passage for all of those who will, by whatever avenues, become single mothers. What does it take to properly recognize a profound, unalterable change? Does it have to be something sanctioned by the community at large, or created and upheld only by those experiencing it? Could it be as simple as your mother or sister giving you a small gift? A flower? Does it have to be negative? I don't know the answers but it sure might be a useful tool in getting people back on their feet. If anyone has any fresh ideas, I'm sure I'd like to know.