Lots of people think it's their job to tell single mothers how to live. I suspect the underlying subtext of this is: "You messed up your life, you need direction."
Of course this is a bunch of garbage, but when you're in upheaval, it's tempting to believe it. The shock of a divorce or finding yourself raising a child by yourself can make you feel like you have the psyche of a five year old - for a little while you can neither make sense of the past nor readily understand the implications of the future. It's a frightening feeling - as though you're just sort of hanging there without context - and in that state you're very susceptible to being directed.
I can't stress enough the importance of learning to listen to yourself as you go through this crucial transition. Absorbing the critiques and analyses of family and friends who think they know what's best for you can lead you into some strange waters. That's not to say that much of their advice is not heartfelt or well meaning; it's just that people tend to suggest things that are perfect for their temperaments, not yours. If you have to learn from mistakes, let them be yours, not theirs.
If you can stop internalizing other people's advice, you'll probably start to hear the voice of your old self; the self that knew how to hold it together day-to-day; the self that knew what it liked and disliked; the self that could find a few laughs every day. If you really can't, or don't want to, trust yourself immediately, you might take other people's leads for awhile, knowing it's only temporary until you calm down. And calm down you will.
Remember that no one else has the formula for your life but YOU. Give yourself some room for it to unfold, because it will. And when it does, it will bring you greater stability and happiness than if you followed someone else's plan. As good old Dr. Spock pointed out (also quoted elsewhere in these pages) "Trust yourself. You know more than you think you do."
The title of this post is from a song by The Levellers
No comments:
Post a Comment